in the silence

It never fails.  When Allen goes out of town the following things happen:  first, I don't sleep.  second, i get scared in my own house as soon as it gets dark (although less since getting Chewy).  Third:  I get overwhelmed with sadness missing Archbishop Donoghue. It's weird.  Allen works several nights a week so it isn't like i am a stranger to being home alone at night.  There is something different about the time when he goes out of town.  Night time seems to be never ending on the nights i know he isn't coming home.  I can understand the being afraid and not being able to sleep, but i don't know what it is about these nights that make me miss ABD so much more.  It's weird too, to think he has been gone for 7 months now.  7 months!  I often visit his grave site and although it probably isn't proper, I usually bring Chewy.  I like knowing that ABD knew Chewy, even if for only a month.  I feel like there is a weird connection.  I know, it's weird.  I often find myself thinking "a year ago ABD and I were doing this" and as it gets closer into summer, our activities slowed down quite a bit and turned into more doctor visits.  But still, last summer we would sit outside a lot early in the morning before it got hot and had the BEST conversations!!  I miss that terribly!  I dream about him a lot.  He is always so full of life and usually giving me a hard time in my dreams...just as i remember him.  The other night I woke up in a sweat because my dream was that ABD never died and he was secretly living at my moms house and everyone knew he was alive except me.  what can i say?..i miss him!  I pray for him all the time, especially in Mass and wonder what it will be like to see him again one day in Heaven.  I think it is cute that Noah still brings up things that ABD did and I hope Noah remembers him forever.  I also think it is cute that whenever we are in public and run into someone we haven't seen in a while and they ask me how I am doing since ABD died, Noah looks at me with anticipation to see if I am going to tear up or cry.  And i usually do.  He was a huge part of my life and although i am healing slowly, the loss of him is still huge.  Oh, ABD...I miss you!